The Baron's Guide to Clubbing
Several recent outings to South Beach nightspots including Mynt, Prive, Sagamore, Rok Bar, and Suite, along with some incidents at Tao in Vegas and G Spa in New York have inspired the Baron to share his tips and techniques for getting the most out of the club/lounge experience. The information should be equally applicable to Miami, New York, LA, and Vegas.
10. Plan ahead.
Don't go to a popular nightspot without making prior arrangements. Rolling up to the velvet rope without either a table reservation, a spot on the guest list, or a connection with a doorman or promoter means you risk standing in line for an hour or more, possibly with a hundred other partygoers, and most likely in less than ideal conditions (e.g. on a sidewalk in 90 degree heat or being pushed and shoved by those anxious to get in). And don't rely on having friends inside. Even if your buddy with a table and ten bottles comes outside to wave you in, the door staff may not care. And don't assume you can buy your way in. The Baron has seen guys waving Amex Black Cards at the doormen at Suite, to no avail. Still, it helps to be well-dressed, and pulling up in a Phantom or other exotic car can't hurt either.
9. Know who you are dealing with.
When you speak to someone by phone, get their name. If a promotor or club employee is going to facilitate your entrance and you haven't met them before, ask what they look like. If you talk to "Jack" on the phone and then arrive at your venue asking for Jack, nine times out of ten the door staff will tell you they've never heard of Jack and no Jack works at the club. Of course they're lying. They do that. Insist on having your contact's cell number so that you can call or send a text if you're having trouble at the door. They should come out and get you.
8. Bring cash.
No matter how well you plan, no matter how well connected you are, things can still go wrong. You may get hit with a $40 cover charge. You may have to bribe someone at the door. You may have to bribe more people inside to get into VIP rooms or to ensure a decent table. Bring plenty of cash. You'll also need it to tip bathroom attendants, buy things from roving cigarette girls, and to pay your tab. You don't want to put down your credit card if you can avoid it. At the bar inside the club, you may be required to open a tab to use your credit card. When you are ready to leave, you are ready to leave--you don't want to wait an extra 20 minutes retrieving your credit card and driver's license at a crowded bar. The same goes for closing out after a night of bottle service. This also eliminates any chance of forgetting your card or being the subject of identity fraud.
7. Expect the unexpected.
Even if you have a table reservation and four Vivid Video contract players in tow (if you do, the Baron would like to hang out with you), you can still run into trouble. Your name may not be on the list (or you might be told it's not even if it is). Your connection might not be out front, or may be unreachable. The club might have been cited by the fire marshal the night before, the owner just let his friends in, and there is simply no more capacity for you and your entourage, regardless of your reservations. Someone in your group may get belligerent with an obnoxious doorman and get you banned for the evening. Many of these events are simply efforts to squeeze more money out of you. Be prepared, be patient, and be willing to reach into your pocket.
6. Everything is negotiable.
You may be told over the phone or at the door that your group must buy a minimum of four bottles. Don't assume that's final. You may be shown to a bad table. Don't accept it. Many of these "events" are again designed to milk more cash out of you. For bottle service, try offering the waitress a bigger tip if she lowers your bottle miniumum. The Baron has seen it work. Remember, these clubs aren't run like regular businesses, Just as the club itself gets away with a lot, you should be able to as well.
5. Go frequently.
If you like a certain spot, go back often and get to know the staff. If the people at the door recognize you as a regular customer they are much more likely to let you in immediately. Make sure to say hello, shake hands, and learn people's names. This can really save you when the place gets crowded.
4. Keep your cool.
The time will come (frequently, in fact) when you will be tempted to argue with the club's staff. Pick your battles. Fighting with the door staff will get you nowhere, and any sign of belligerence will just ensure you are denied entry. Once you are inside, you can be more aggressive about table placement and bottle minimums. And do feel free to get aggressive if you believe your bill is wrong. It probably is.
3. Location, location, location.
When you're reserving tables, think about where you want to sit. Many clubs have multiple rooms, and some are clearly better than others. Find out if different rooms within the club play different kinds of music. Ask if entry to a particular VIP room will cost more. Get a sense of where you want to be before you arrive. If you leave it to the club staff, you will probably end up dissatisfied.
2. Girls, girls, girls.
Whatever you do, bring women with you. If you are a women, dressing like a $500-an-hour call girl might be helpful. And at a minimum, have a 50/50 ratio of males to females. Even a table reservation and all the right connections can still result in long waits, high cover charges, and ridiculous minimum bottle requirements if you arent' travling with women. In addtion, remember that even if your name is on that clipboard, you have to get up to the rope to speak with the door staff to get in. Easier said than done if 200 people are waiting out front. If you have attractive women with you, you will have a much easier time getting the staff's attention. If you are traveling with good looking women, take full advantage. They will likely eliminate most any problem you might otherwise have.
1. Relax and don't take this seriously.
If this entire discussion sounds ridiculous, that's because it is. You have to be in the right frame of mind to go out to a place like Suite or Tao or whatever the "in" place is and put up with this nonsense. Even A-list film and music stars sometimes have trouble getting into these venues ("Don't you know who I am"???). Also remember that clubs are not service-oriented and might not treat you well regardless of who you are, what you do, or how much money you have. If you run into a problem, don't lose your cool, don't yell at the doormen, and don't drop more money than your're comfortable parting with just to buy your way in. If you start bribing the door and agreeing to buy six bottles for your table of five, you're going to feel ripped off in the morning. Don't be afraid to take your business elsewhere, and don't let a denial of entry ruin your evening.
Several recent outings to South Beach nightspots including Mynt, Prive, Sagamore, Rok Bar, and Suite, along with some incidents at Tao in Vegas and G Spa in New York have inspired the Baron to share his tips and techniques for getting the most out of the club/lounge experience. The information should be equally applicable to Miami, New York, LA, and Vegas.
10. Plan ahead.
Don't go to a popular nightspot without making prior arrangements. Rolling up to the velvet rope without either a table reservation, a spot on the guest list, or a connection with a doorman or promoter means you risk standing in line for an hour or more, possibly with a hundred other partygoers, and most likely in less than ideal conditions (e.g. on a sidewalk in 90 degree heat or being pushed and shoved by those anxious to get in). And don't rely on having friends inside. Even if your buddy with a table and ten bottles comes outside to wave you in, the door staff may not care. And don't assume you can buy your way in. The Baron has seen guys waving Amex Black Cards at the doormen at Suite, to no avail. Still, it helps to be well-dressed, and pulling up in a Phantom or other exotic car can't hurt either.
9. Know who you are dealing with.
When you speak to someone by phone, get their name. If a promotor or club employee is going to facilitate your entrance and you haven't met them before, ask what they look like. If you talk to "Jack" on the phone and then arrive at your venue asking for Jack, nine times out of ten the door staff will tell you they've never heard of Jack and no Jack works at the club. Of course they're lying. They do that. Insist on having your contact's cell number so that you can call or send a text if you're having trouble at the door. They should come out and get you.
8. Bring cash.
No matter how well you plan, no matter how well connected you are, things can still go wrong. You may get hit with a $40 cover charge. You may have to bribe someone at the door. You may have to bribe more people inside to get into VIP rooms or to ensure a decent table. Bring plenty of cash. You'll also need it to tip bathroom attendants, buy things from roving cigarette girls, and to pay your tab. You don't want to put down your credit card if you can avoid it. At the bar inside the club, you may be required to open a tab to use your credit card. When you are ready to leave, you are ready to leave--you don't want to wait an extra 20 minutes retrieving your credit card and driver's license at a crowded bar. The same goes for closing out after a night of bottle service. This also eliminates any chance of forgetting your card or being the subject of identity fraud.
7. Expect the unexpected.
Even if you have a table reservation and four Vivid Video contract players in tow (if you do, the Baron would like to hang out with you), you can still run into trouble. Your name may not be on the list (or you might be told it's not even if it is). Your connection might not be out front, or may be unreachable. The club might have been cited by the fire marshal the night before, the owner just let his friends in, and there is simply no more capacity for you and your entourage, regardless of your reservations. Someone in your group may get belligerent with an obnoxious doorman and get you banned for the evening. Many of these events are simply efforts to squeeze more money out of you. Be prepared, be patient, and be willing to reach into your pocket.
6. Everything is negotiable.
You may be told over the phone or at the door that your group must buy a minimum of four bottles. Don't assume that's final. You may be shown to a bad table. Don't accept it. Many of these "events" are again designed to milk more cash out of you. For bottle service, try offering the waitress a bigger tip if she lowers your bottle miniumum. The Baron has seen it work. Remember, these clubs aren't run like regular businesses, Just as the club itself gets away with a lot, you should be able to as well.
5. Go frequently.
If you like a certain spot, go back often and get to know the staff. If the people at the door recognize you as a regular customer they are much more likely to let you in immediately. Make sure to say hello, shake hands, and learn people's names. This can really save you when the place gets crowded.
4. Keep your cool.
The time will come (frequently, in fact) when you will be tempted to argue with the club's staff. Pick your battles. Fighting with the door staff will get you nowhere, and any sign of belligerence will just ensure you are denied entry. Once you are inside, you can be more aggressive about table placement and bottle minimums. And do feel free to get aggressive if you believe your bill is wrong. It probably is.
3. Location, location, location.
When you're reserving tables, think about where you want to sit. Many clubs have multiple rooms, and some are clearly better than others. Find out if different rooms within the club play different kinds of music. Ask if entry to a particular VIP room will cost more. Get a sense of where you want to be before you arrive. If you leave it to the club staff, you will probably end up dissatisfied.
2. Girls, girls, girls.
Whatever you do, bring women with you. If you are a women, dressing like a $500-an-hour call girl might be helpful. And at a minimum, have a 50/50 ratio of males to females. Even a table reservation and all the right connections can still result in long waits, high cover charges, and ridiculous minimum bottle requirements if you arent' travling with women. In addtion, remember that even if your name is on that clipboard, you have to get up to the rope to speak with the door staff to get in. Easier said than done if 200 people are waiting out front. If you have attractive women with you, you will have a much easier time getting the staff's attention. If you are traveling with good looking women, take full advantage. They will likely eliminate most any problem you might otherwise have.
1. Relax and don't take this seriously.
If this entire discussion sounds ridiculous, that's because it is. You have to be in the right frame of mind to go out to a place like Suite or Tao or whatever the "in" place is and put up with this nonsense. Even A-list film and music stars sometimes have trouble getting into these venues ("Don't you know who I am"???). Also remember that clubs are not service-oriented and might not treat you well regardless of who you are, what you do, or how much money you have. If you run into a problem, don't lose your cool, don't yell at the doormen, and don't drop more money than your're comfortable parting with just to buy your way in. If you start bribing the door and agreeing to buy six bottles for your table of five, you're going to feel ripped off in the morning. Don't be afraid to take your business elsewhere, and don't let a denial of entry ruin your evening.
posted by TheBaronOnTaste at 11:02 PM
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